GallantTed gives the lowdown on the Annual Nag Gags

I’ve no doubt that the more cultured a ye what do be readen me blog will be familiar with the Annual Nag Gag Symposium what’s open ta everyone so long as they’re an ass, a hoss or a jennet or something along those equine breeds. The horsey contestints spend the weekend tellen jokes, funny stories and the like and then on the last night the best contestints are picked ta go inta the grand final where the overall winner with the most amusen and original story is chosen. Well, fer the very first time this year’s Symposium was held in Slasher’s Bar & Grill.

Now, the animal called The Champ, what was tipped ta win the final, was a proper show off alltagather and had all us annoyed goen on about how hillarious he was and how he’d won the title fer 3 years runnen and how his victory was in the nose-bag fer sure. I’ll tell ya, he just loved ta hear himself bray and could talk the hind-legs of a donkey fer sure.

Which in fact is just what the ejjit did. And before hoofen it outta town from the sheer boredom of The Champ’s constant whinnien, the said Hind-legs told everyone the very joke what The Champ had up his sleeve fer the grand final. So by the time our chump The Champ told it up on the stage it was no longer original and was rendered null and void. Which put a bit of a dampner on the night cos everyone had been saven their belly laffs fer the final and now there was no grate joke ta gaffaw at. But then next thing ya know, didn’t MadDogTed shout up “It just goes ta show ye fokes - a mule and his funny are soon parted!”

Well, the place errupted fer sure and that’s how, fer the first time ever, a humble little teddy bear – with no horsey connection whatsoever - won the the Annual Nag Gag Symposium.

FRIDAY 13th - PART 3. GallantTed recounts yet another Friday 13th fiasco

Last Friday the 13^th  I awoke up ta the sun bursten through the winda and I decided that it were high time fer me ta dust down me summer gear. But as soon as I opened the wardrobe door I was furociously attacked and haff eaten alive by a hoard a starven moths. Luckily, Albear Camoo heard me screams and after a fierce fight alltagather we managed ta beat them off and hobble ta safety. We was fierce traumatized fer sure, but we bravely managed ta get inta the truck and drive ta the hospital fer ta get stitched up.

Well, there we was booten it down the road when suddenly Mr Slasher’s Auntie Maud appeared out of nowhere and started ta flag us down. Albear hit the brakes fer sure, but unluckily they failed and we ploughed straight inta the poor woman, knocken her out stone cold. So we had ta ring Mr Slasher with the terrable news and asked him fer ta come ta bring us all ta the hospital. He said he couldn’t understand what Auntie Maud was doen walken the roads cos she had just been discharged that mornen from the hospital with a clean bill of health and had told him not ta worry cos she’d arranged a lift home.

Anyways, we waited and waited fer Mr Slasher ta arrive. When he finally came we got ta shock of our lives cos his face was all swelled up and his tongue, what was the size of a turnip, was rollen all over the place in and out of his mouth. Anyways, we managed ta get the gist a what happened ta him:

• somethin ta do with that gallopen trollop, Goldilocks, snaggen her nylons on a nail stuck in one of the bar-stools,
• a ladder subsequently appearen on the said nylons,
• a bee flyen under the said ladder,
• a shot-glass suddenly fallen from nowhere on top of the said bee,
• the hysterical bee flyen inta Mr Slasher’s open gob and stingen the daylights out of him.

Luckily, all’s well what ends well and eventually we all got the medical attention we needed and arrived home, fierce quiet but feelen a biteen better in ourselves. Meself and Albear Camoo went straight ta see MadDogTed  in case he was worried about where we was all day. Well, we found him still in bed fast asleep oblivious ta all the goens on. He was clutchen a note in his little paw what read:

tings 4 2 do on fri 13

1  tell gallantted 2 get sum mot spray cos i saw 1 n his room da durty buggers

2  tell albear camoo  4 2 fix his brakes cos they is not worken

3  colleck anty maud from da hostipal

4  tell mr slasher 2 remove da nail wot i put in his bar stool 4 2 test if its real oak  btw its not

5  set alarm 4 2 get up early 

Well, we was too weak  ta batter the liven daylights out of  him - even while he slept - and when he eventually woke up and found out that his alarm never went off and he’d slept through the whole day, he hugged his lucky rabbit’s foot in delight and said “Is Friday the 13^th me lucky day or what!”

FRIDAY THE 13th Part 2. GallantTed recounts another Friday13th adventure......

Friday the 13^th began with MadDogTed clutchen his lucky rabbit's foot and Albear Camoo laffen his head off at him. But then Albear Camoo caught a dose of the fleas from the rabbit's foot and MadDogTed was kilt with the laffen and told Albear that it was great ta see him doen his bit fer the homeless. 

Then Albear Camoo called dial-a-spider fer ta eat the fleas which put the fear of God inta MadDogTed cos he’s  scared stiff of spiders. But then didn’t the spider buy MadDogTed a pint beyont in Slasher's jint and they became grate pals alltagather.

Then Miss Muffet came in and Albear went over and tried ta impress her by tellen her about all the charity work he does be doen - housen the homeless and all that sorta stuff.  He was just about ta tell her how he was a published arthur when MadDogTed - who had been taken absailen lessons from the spider - fell off the wall on top of Miss Muffet, scaren the liven daylights outa her. She ran out screamen her head off, accidently steppen on the spider and braken 3 of his legs. Meanwhile, MadDogTed was lyen haff dead on the floor.

So a frantic Albear Camoo dialed 999 - with the rabbit's foot fer added effect - but in his panic the phone was upside down didn't he dial 3 sixes instead. Then a real mad tree-legged hare came in looken fer his missen foot. He knocked the stuffen outa poor Albear fer sure.

Anyways, the hapless trio is now up in casualty, sharen a trolly and waiten fer ta be bandaged up. I'd go up ta see them but I'm taken Miss Muffet ta the flicks. Ya see, I was goen inta Slasher's when I bumped inta her on the way out and we got talken. Is Friday the 13^th me lucky day or what?

FRIDAY13th - PART ONE. First in a series of Fri 13th mishaps as told by GallantTed

MadDogTed looken lucky

Friday the 13^th began with MadDogTed looken everywhere fer his lucky horse shoe cos it was the night of the annual Big Huge Poker Tournamint where Mr Slasher puts up a great secret prize fer the winner. Poor MadDogTed couldn’t find his horse shoe anywhere but then he spotted a horse out of the winda beyont in the field and decided ta go down ta see if it'd loan him one or two of his shoes fer the night.

Before the tournament began there was no sign of MadDogTed except fer his lucky silver bucket that he usually up-turns ta sit on during these great occasions. This time he was taken no chances and he had it filled up with looky 4-leaved clovers. Suddenly, there was a big huge cuffuffal and in comes MadDogTed riden the horse and clutchen on ta a lucky black cat, just ta be sure ta be sure.

Well, the horse was a biteen nervis and was leaven a awfull mess in the jint but MadDogTed said where's there's muck there's luck, and was just about ta sit down when the lucky black cat knocked over the lucky bucket and then the horse spotted the lucky clover and ate it all and MadDogTed couldn't stop him cos me furry little pal kept slippen on the lucky muck. Well, after the feed of lucky clover, the horse was feelen fierce lucky and decided ta get in on the gamblen and was delt a royal flush and eventually ended up winnin the tournamint. No dout poor MadDogTeddy would've been heart-broke at the news if he was conscious, but at some pint he'd split his head on one of the horse's lucky shoes and was out cold.

But the thing is, the horse was actually the secret prize up fer grabs so he ended up winnin himself which, of course, is against the rules fer sure and the whole thing had ta be cancelled til next week. Whatsmore, when MadDogTed split his head open the tempory steel-plate - what was put in there after a previous Friday 13^th fiasco - fell out and transpired ta be his original missen lucky horse shoe. Upon hearen  all this great news when he eventually recovered, all me little pal could say, "Is Friday 13^th me lucky day or what?"