Howye fokes! How is things? Who do ya think popped inta Slasher's Bar and Grill the other night, only Peig SoothSayers, the Gaelgoric misfortune teller from them bygone days of yore.
She was in a strange mood alltagather and I taught meself that she looked a biteen shook fer sure. But then she started tellen us that she was haff ded from the hunger and the sheer pain of sufferen fer yer beauty. Ya see, she was on the latest beauty regeme fer ta help her look 100 years younger.
Ta take the years off her, the experts had drilled her, filled her and grilled her, and willed her ta keep off the cabbage sangwiches and ta quit smoken the doogeen. They also told her she'd have ta give up the moanen and the groanen and ta basically lighten the fluich up.
Well, that inspired her ta go on the comedy circuit fer ta spread some joy ta the world fer a change, and next thing ya know, wasn't she up on Mr Slasher’s counter doen her stand-up routine.
Well, the poor woman was just dyen on her newly-stillittoed-feet, belten out cringe-worthy clangers like:
What do ya call a basket of witty fruit? A punnet a punsters.
What's black and white and wed all over? Two nuns getten married.
By the time she came ta: What goes tick-shock, tick-shock? A clock watchen a horror filem, we were all dyen from the cringen but we just didn't have the hart ta tell her.
But then, finally, didn't MadDogTed start shouten at her ta shut the fluich up and started throwen the left over cabbage and spuds from his dinner at her.
We'll never know if he did it outta pure panic or if he got one of his pure genius attacks, but no matter, it did the trick fer sure - cos at the mere sniff of the cabbage didn't the wrinkles on Peig's face begin ta reappear and alla her new teeth fell out and her hair went back ta grey and she started tellen us the doomiest, gloomiest stories ever. And no codden, I never saw anyone looken so radiant.