Sunday, 25 June 2017

Flake News part 3

MaddDogTed has a go at reporting on the important stuff - like what we're all eating for breakfast these days.          💣

alotta peeple do be axken me wot I do be haven 4 me brekfist & i do b sayen back 2 dem mind yer own f n bussinness

tune n nxt time 4 more a da same cos dis is a cereal

b f n c n u l8r
maddogtebby x

Saturday, 24 June 2017

Hairy Cock & Bull Story

Howye fokes! How is things! As I mentioned last week,
me pal, Albear Camoo, decided ta take a new direction in his writen and taught he’d try his paw at a bitta the Chick Lit what’s all the rage at the minute.

His second novel in this genere called,  A Bad Hare Day, has just been published and is a right hart-renchen rollercoaster ride of emotions alltagather. It’s all about a fierce vane Rooster called Roberto what falls in love with Martha, a glamerous Hare what comes from the other side of the chicken wire. Romeo and Juliet was never in it with this pair, I’ll tell ya, and things do be goen grand alltagather until the fatefull day when Roberto discovers a gray hare in his comb.

The poor fella didn’t know what ta do and at furst kept the problem well hidden under his hat. Then after many sleepless nights of dispair he valiantally decided ta get some professional help. It was here that our intrepid hero was intraduced ta the murky world a hair colouren and after a soul destroyen journey through the ups and downs of highlights and lowlights, Roberto soon found himself choosen the harder option of all-out streeken.

Meanwhile, a distraught Martha didn’t know what exactly was goen on with her once ardent beau and was haven her own sleepless nights of dispair wonderen if there was somethin the matter with her cos her Roberto seemed ta have a problem goen all the way. It was then that she made the daren decision ta change the colour of her own beautiful tresses. So our intrepid heroine was also intarduced ta the murky world a hare colouren and it weren’t long before she too had reached the all-out streeken phase. But was this enuff  ta save the tainted passion of our  tint-crossed lovers?

Well, fokes after more hart-renchen sleepless nights of dispair and all that sorta stuff, I’ve no dout in me furry little mind that ya’ll be bursten ta know the final outcome. Now, I don’t want ta give too much away at this pistnt, but suffice ta say that, yes! yes! yes! – they eventually did go all the way and tragically they both dyed in the end.

Saturday, 17 June 2017

Chick Lit Wars

GallantTed reviews the latest books from the Chick Lit stable

John with the Wind by MadDogTed

Howye fokes! How is things?  I’ll tell ye, MadDogTed decided ta have go at writen somethin in the Chick Lit vane fer the craic and his little offeren called John with the Wind is all about a vain weather cock called John what finds it hard ta find love cos he’s stook on top of the barn and never gets ta meet anyone and, as a result takes ta overdosen on beans fer ta fill the emotional void inside of him. Subsequently, he gets a pernamint dose a the flatulince what effects his work grately cos he’s never quite sure which way the wind does be blowen and ends up haven ta rely on his bunions fer ta predict the weather.

But then he meets the love of his life, Muriel the blackburd, what flies inta his lonely life and  buys him some corn plasters fer his burthday and cures his bunions. Of course, this means he can no longer forcast the weather cos as a further token of her affections, Muriel just loves ta feed him beans, so he still hasn’t a clue which way the wind does be blowen. Anyways, as a result dosen’t he lose his job and the destitute pair of  love burds end up bitter, down-and-out, fly-by-night renegades what spend the resta  their lives on the rampage, brutally gorgen the eyes outta any weathermen what crosses their path and  violently knocken the heads offa any Child a Prague statue what gets in their way.

Basically, ya could say the the two a them completely lost the plot. Which is really what MadDogTed’s furst attempt at a romantic novel does from the very furst word what he wrote. Fer that reason, ya can imagine me surprise when he told me that he’d actually found a publisher fer his odious opus. And when I sed  that his novel didn’t quite embrace the sweet romantic essince of what Chick Lit is all about he sed, “Chick Lit, me arse, it’s Sick Lit what I do be writen, fer sure!” And I’ll tell ye fokes, there’s no better Ted fer the job.

To Fleece A Sheep by Albear Camoo

Howye fokes! How is things?   After the grate success a MadDogTed’s furst Sick Lit novel, John with the Wind, there was no way that me other literary pal, Albear Camoo, was goen ta be out done and a right battle of lits enscewed as he rushed ta get his first novel in the Chick Lit genre published.

His new novel, Ta Fleece a Sheep, is full of passion, intrigue, betrayal and all that sorta stuff and is all about a fierce rich but socially inept  Farmer what longs ta be runnen with the* In Crowd* but is cursed by the mark a the agricultural wellinton. He desperately tries ta hide his brutally boorish beginnens and bumptiousally makes several attimpts ta launch himself inta high society, but constantly gives his poor breeden away - like the time he bought his way inta a reel fancy card game only ta make a holy show outta himself by spitten on his hands every time a spade was delt.

Anyways, one fatefull night, a fierce mysterious and glamerous woman enters his life
and he’s fierce delighted with himself alltagather. But tragically, what our woolly-headed frend doesn’t realize is that his new lover is really only a washed-out, mutton-dressed-as lamb, gallopen trollop offa gold digger what’s only after his money.

Now, I can’t be given too much more away at this pint, but I’m not codden ya, yer eyes will be glued ta the pages as ya enter this exciten world a thrills, spills, glitz,  treachery, fizzy sheep dip on ice and all that sorta stuff. It promises ta be a grate read alltagather and one ya should definitely pack inta yer suit case when yer goen on yer hollimadays. 

Wednesday, 14 June 2017

Da Vinci Code and How it affects many modern women

Howye fokes! How is things? Me post bag is only bulgen with all yer letters and queries on the Jesus and Mary MacDillon affair – or lack thereof as the case may be.  Anyways, I got one very interesten letter from a reader what signs herself as Just Wonderen, from Back the Road what writes:

Dear Ted
I read your blog with great pleasure and interest every week and think it’s the best thing since the sliced unlevelled pan. I've no doubt you or your readers can help me with my little problem.

You see Ted, the other day when the sun was shining for a few minutes, I took my little Joseph to the seaside to give him a chance to play with his new bucket and spade. It was while he was digging happily in the sand that he found these very old looking papers that looked like parchment or something. On closer examination, much to my surprise, I discovered that I’m a product of this Divine Bloodline that everyone is talking about. Yes, Ted, I have the evidence to prove that I am indeed related to Jesus and Mary.

Now Ted, it doesn’t take a great mind to figure out that if I am related, then I’m entitled to an inheritance. So my question to you is, when Jesus died, rose again and then ascended into heaven - did that make Mary a widow or a deserted wife? I mean which allowance was she entitled to? And as I’ve no doubt that in those days it probably took years to sort such claims out, there’s a good chance that it was never resolved in her lifetime and now her descendants are entitled to all the back pay – with interest, of course.
How much am I worth with back pay

So Ted, I’d be most grateful if you or any of your loyal readers could answer my query as soon as possible. Signed,  Just Wondering, Back the Road.

Well, there ye have it fokes. Apply within with yer answers.