Friday the 13th part four - GallantTed recounts yet another true story

One Fer Sorrow 

Who pinched MadDogTed's Lucky Charms?

Friday the 13^th started with that gallopen trollop Goldilocks sticken her ugly mug in front of the mirror and smashen it in ta smithereens from her sheer hidiousness. Well, that gallopen trollop Loxy, had no intention of sufferen from 7 years bad luck, and figuren the only cure was ta pass the bad luck on ta someone else, she rang Francis the Magpie and told him if he didn’t go and frighen all the luck out of MadDogTed, she’d tell the cops about the glitteren hoards that he had stashed away in his nest.

Meanwhile, MadDogTeddy, superstitious as ever, was in a fierce panic alltagather cos he couldn’t find any of his lucky charms ta get him through the day. But then, didn’t he get an anominous call tellen him that all his charms was beyont in the woods on top of the third tree ta the left. So he went on his way, hopen ta find all his lucky treasures, when what did he spot out of the corner of his eye - only Francis the Magpie. Well, the poor little fella nearly died of the fright and dropped almost half dead on the ground. 

But then luckily didn’t MadDogTed spot a second magpie hiden in the bushes. Fierce relieved alltagather, he was just about ta get up when out of nowhere this squad car rattled inta the woods, swerved ta avoid me furry little pal and rammed in ta a tree what fell on top of poor MadDogTed, knocken him out stone cold.

                                       Two Fer Joy

Anyways, in the heel of the reel it transpired that the second magpie, Fidelma, had just completed one a Goldilock’s “How ta get Yer Man” courses and on Loxy’s advice had been stalken Francis fer weeks and plaguen him with untracable anominous phone calls. Well, fer once, Francis was able ta identify the phone number that mornen and called the cops. Of course, it was Loxy’s number, not Fedilma’s, what showed up and that gallopen trollop got blamed fer the stalken and everythin and ended up getten 7 years community service looken after needy Teds.

On top of all that, when the tree fell on MadDogTed, didn’t all his missen lucky charms fall out of Francis’ nest. On hearen all this great news from his sick-bed, all me little pal could say, “Is Friday the 13^th me lucky day or wot?”

Back ta School - a cautionary tale, as told by GallantTed

Us Teds are a bit broke after all da gallivanten we did duren da summer.  But luckily didn’t we see an ad on the internet offeren us classes on how ta get-rich-fierce-quick-alltagather. The classes are run by the world famous onterpineer, Mrs Trudy Loff.   

MadDogTed likes spenden money

Well, we applied fer the course and Trudy sent us a really nice personal email tellen us that a cute buncha tallented onterpineeren Teds like us could call her Tru.  

We was right chuffed, I’ll tell ya, and being a biteen short of cash, we had ta go ta Mr Slasher fer a loan fer ta sign up ta Tru’s course - cos these thing don’t come cheap, ya know.  

Anyways, Mr Slasher looked more that a biteen dubious fer sure and told us that he’d heard of manys the poor crature that ended up in the workhouse after signen up fer the very same get-rich-quick course.  

One guy was advised ta purchase a pile of land fer ta make a football pitch out of. He borrowed up ta his eyeballs only ta discover that the land was riddled with moles and it was too bumpy fer anyone ta play on.  

Then there was the woman what was advised ta specialise in luxury desserts and paid through the nose fer a secret recipe fer custard. But, alas, the mixture always came out lumpy no matter what she did. 

And then there was Mr Slasher’s very own cousin, Belinda da Beautician, what spent an arm and a leg on fake tan that always came out uneven and was sued ta the armpits by her angry clientelle. 

  

Which only goes ta prove ta ya - the course a Tru Loff never did run smooth. 

GallantTed gives the lowdown on the Annual Nag Gags

I’ve no doubt that the more cultured a ye what do be readen me blog will be familiar with the Annual Nag Gag Symposium what’s open ta everyone so long as they’re an ass, a hoss or a jennet or something along those equine breeds. The horsey contestints spend the weekend tellen jokes, funny stories and the like and then on the last night the best contestints are picked ta go inta the grand final where the overall winner with the most amusen and original story is chosen. Well, fer the very first time this year’s Symposium was held in Slasher’s Bar & Grill.

Now, the animal called The Champ, what was tipped ta win the final, was a proper show off alltagather and had all us annoyed goen on about how hillarious he was and how he’d won the title fer 3 years runnen and how his victory was in the nose-bag fer sure. I’ll tell ya, he just loved ta hear himself bray and could talk the hind-legs of a donkey fer sure.

Which in fact is just what the ejjit did. And before hoofen it outta town from the sheer boredom of The Champ’s constant whinnien, the said Hind-legs told everyone the very joke what The Champ had up his sleeve fer the grand final. So by the time our chump The Champ told it up on the stage it was no longer original and was rendered null and void. Which put a bit of a dampner on the night cos everyone had been saven their belly laffs fer the final and now there was no grate joke ta gaffaw at. But then next thing ya know, didn’t MadDogTed shout up “It just goes ta show ye fokes - a mule and his funny are soon parted!”

Well, the place errupted fer sure and that’s how, fer the first time ever, a humble little teddy bear – with no horsey connection whatsoever - won the the Annual Nag Gag Symposium.

FRIDAY 13th - PART 3. GallantTed recounts yet another Friday 13th fiasco

Last Friday the 13^th  I awoke up ta the sun bursten through the winda and I decided that it were high time fer me ta dust down me summer gear. But as soon as I opened the wardrobe door I was furociously attacked and haff eaten alive by a hoard a starven moths. Luckily, Albear Camoo heard me screams and after a fierce fight alltagather we managed ta beat them off and hobble ta safety. We was fierce traumatized fer sure, but we bravely managed ta get inta the truck and drive ta the hospital fer ta get stitched up.

Well, there we was booten it down the road when suddenly Mr Slasher’s Auntie Maud appeared out of nowhere and started ta flag us down. Albear hit the brakes fer sure, but unluckily they failed and we ploughed straight inta the poor woman, knocken her out stone cold. So we had ta ring Mr Slasher with the terrable news and asked him fer ta come ta bring us all ta the hospital. He said he couldn’t understand what Auntie Maud was doen walken the roads cos she had just been discharged that mornen from the hospital with a clean bill of health and had told him not ta worry cos she’d arranged a lift home.

Anyways, we waited and waited fer Mr Slasher ta arrive. When he finally came we got ta shock of our lives cos his face was all swelled up and his tongue, what was the size of a turnip, was rollen all over the place in and out of his mouth. Anyways, we managed ta get the gist a what happened ta him:

• somethin ta do with that gallopen trollop, Goldilocks, snaggen her nylons on a nail stuck in one of the bar-stools,
• a ladder subsequently appearen on the said nylons,
• a bee flyen under the said ladder,
• a shot-glass suddenly fallen from nowhere on top of the said bee,
• the hysterical bee flyen inta Mr Slasher’s open gob and stingen the daylights out of him.

Luckily, all’s well what ends well and eventually we all got the medical attention we needed and arrived home, fierce quiet but feelen a biteen better in ourselves. Meself and Albear Camoo went straight ta see MadDogTed  in case he was worried about where we was all day. Well, we found him still in bed fast asleep oblivious ta all the goens on. He was clutchen a note in his little paw what read:

tings 4 2 do on fri 13

1  tell gallantted 2 get sum mot spray cos i saw 1 n his room da durty buggers

2  tell albear camoo  4 2 fix his brakes cos they is not worken

3  colleck anty maud from da hostipal

4  tell mr slasher 2 remove da nail wot i put in his bar stool 4 2 test if its real oak  btw its not

5  set alarm 4 2 get up early 

Well, we was too weak  ta batter the liven daylights out of  him - even while he slept - and when he eventually woke up and found out that his alarm never went off and he’d slept through the whole day, he hugged his lucky rabbit’s foot in delight and said “Is Friday the 13^th me lucky day or what!”

FRIDAY THE 13th Part 2. GallantTed recounts another Friday13th adventure......

Friday the 13^th began with MadDogTed clutchen his lucky rabbit's foot and Albear Camoo laffen his head off at him. But then Albear Camoo caught a dose of the fleas from the rabbit's foot and MadDogTed was kilt with the laffen and told Albear that it was great ta see him doen his bit fer the homeless. 

Then Albear Camoo called dial-a-spider fer ta eat the fleas which put the fear of God inta MadDogTed cos he’s  scared stiff of spiders. But then didn’t the spider buy MadDogTed a pint beyont in Slasher's jint and they became grate pals alltagather.

Then Miss Muffet came in and Albear went over and tried ta impress her by tellen her about all the charity work he does be doen - housen the homeless and all that sorta stuff.  He was just about ta tell her how he was a published arthur when MadDogTed - who had been taken absailen lessons from the spider - fell off the wall on top of Miss Muffet, scaren the liven daylights outa her. She ran out screamen her head off, accidently steppen on the spider and braken 3 of his legs. Meanwhile, MadDogTed was lyen haff dead on the floor.

So a frantic Albear Camoo dialed 999 - with the rabbit's foot fer added effect - but in his panic the phone was upside down didn't he dial 3 sixes instead. Then a real mad tree-legged hare came in looken fer his missen foot. He knocked the stuffen outa poor Albear fer sure.

Anyways, the hapless trio is now up in casualty, sharen a trolly and waiten fer ta be bandaged up. I'd go up ta see them but I'm taken Miss Muffet ta the flicks. Ya see, I was goen inta Slasher's when I bumped inta her on the way out and we got talken. Is Friday the 13^th me lucky day or what?

FRIDAY13th - PART ONE. First in a series of Fri 13th mishaps as told by GallantTed

MadDogTed looken lucky

Friday the 13^th began with MadDogTed looken everywhere fer his lucky horse shoe cos it was the night of the annual Big Huge Poker Tournamint where Mr Slasher puts up a great secret prize fer the winner. Poor MadDogTed couldn’t find his horse shoe anywhere but then he spotted a horse out of the winda beyont in the field and decided ta go down ta see if it'd loan him one or two of his shoes fer the night.

Before the tournament began there was no sign of MadDogTed except fer his lucky silver bucket that he usually up-turns ta sit on during these great occasions. This time he was taken no chances and he had it filled up with looky 4-leaved clovers. Suddenly, there was a big huge cuffuffal and in comes MadDogTed riden the horse and clutchen on ta a lucky black cat, just ta be sure ta be sure.

Well, the horse was a biteen nervis and was leaven a awfull mess in the jint but MadDogTed said where's there's muck there's luck, and was just about ta sit down when the lucky black cat knocked over the lucky bucket and then the horse spotted the lucky clover and ate it all and MadDogTed couldn't stop him cos me furry little pal kept slippen on the lucky muck. Well, after the feed of lucky clover, the horse was feelen fierce lucky and decided ta get in on the gamblen and was delt a royal flush and eventually ended up winnin the tournamint. No dout poor MadDogTeddy would've been heart-broke at the news if he was conscious, but at some pint he'd split his head on one of the horse's lucky shoes and was out cold.

But the thing is, the horse was actually the secret prize up fer grabs so he ended up winnin himself which, of course, is against the rules fer sure and the whole thing had ta be cancelled til next week. Whatsmore, when MadDogTed split his head open the tempory steel-plate - what was put in there after a previous Friday 13^th fiasco - fell out and transpired ta be his original missen lucky horse shoe. Upon hearen  all this great news when he eventually recovered, all me little pal could say, "Is Friday 13^th me lucky day or what?"

Free Winks for Everyone

SPONSORED  BY SLASHER'S BAR (and Grill)

Howye fokes!

How is things? I've grate news alltagather fer ye this week! What with spring arriven and everythin, I've specially comissioned (outa me own pocket, mind) MadDogTed ta send ye all out some of his world renouned Salacious Winks. That's right fokes, FREE Salacious Winks from the shifty eyes of MadDogTed fer everyone.

And that's not all! Each recipiant will also receive this personally signed pome beautifully pinned by the sinsitive paws of MadDogTed himself:

roses is red  vilence is blu

slayshuss winks 4 u u & u

but not u goldilox ya f n trollip ya

luv  mabbogtebby  X

Terms and conditions apply. FREE salacious winks can only be downloaded usen the hi-tech salacious winks modum priced at just $89.99. Furst wink only is free. All others cost $16.50 from the left eye (distempered) and $21.99 from the right (tempered). Checks payable ta GallantTed Merchandisen Inc.

Speaken of which, I just got a hart renchen email from me pal, Quasi Modum. The poor fella hasn't had much look since his belle, Ezmeralda, ran off with the campoligist with the big huge seta ding-dongs. Anyways, after years of grieven he wants me ta tell ye that he's back on the market. He's a simple enuff fella ta please, has a sound job and is a grate lissner alltagather. He's fierce easy goen too and hardly ever gets the hump. He's looken fer a lady with a very GSOH and good child-bearen hips. And a pleasant face ta boot - not fer himself mind, but fer the sake of the children.

So there ye have it laydees - what are ye waiten fer?  Go on, give him a bell!

GallantTed talks about MadDogTed's first hangover and his fluency in da Irish

Dow cuss lin nave paw rig ass peg more na here in.
Isn’t it grate ta have the cupla focail all the same? A course, me pal MadDogTed is fierce fluent alltagather and was a fine scholar a the Gaelic when he was a young cubbog. He even nearly won a fainne nua fer the effort below cept he ran outa time in the exam and never got it finished.

mo chéad hangover

déirigh mé go muc ar maidin

bhí tinneas cinn orm

da pig wasnt feelen 2 gr8 neither

bhí madra ag tafann

& da f  n  pig was coffen

bhí mo cheann mar cábaiste orm

chuaigh mé go dhí an seomra folca agus dúirt mé mo phaidreacha sa teileafón mór bháin

chuir me uisce sa mbáisín agus nigh me mo chluasa agus chíor me mo chluasa agus nigh mé mo chuid eadaí

cos dats how we dun it n dem times fadó fadó

dfhéach me amach an fhuinneog agus chonaic me seán agus máire

ansin fuair me scaub fiacal agus chuir me taos fiacal ar an scuab

nigh raibh aon fiacla agam

seo é seán agus seo í máire ach cá bhfuil mo fhiacla

bhí seán agus máire ag súgradh le mo fhiacla

bhí an muc ag gáire fuaim agus bhí fearg dearg orm

caith me an muc as an fhuinneog

a muc faoin spéir agus thit sé ar seán

bhí seán ag cur fola

thainaig na gardaí

da borstal 4 bold bears wud b me nxt stop 4 sure

ted bocht

i wos ritely f …

Well folks, that’s as far as me little pal got before he had ta stop written so we’ll never know how the story finished. All I can tell ye is that the teacher came down and gave him a right thump on the hed fer not leaven down his pen and every bitta the Gaelic disappeared outa him fer good.

Peig Sayers meets The Teds in Slasher's Bar and Grill

Howye fokes! How is things? Who do ya think popped inta Slasher's Bar and Grill the other night, only Peig SoothSayers, the Gaelgoric misfortune teller from them bygone days of yore.

She was in a strange mood alltagather and I taught meself that she looked a biteen shook fer sure. But then she started  tellen us that she was haff ded from the hunger and the sheer pain of sufferen fer yer beauty. Ya see, she was on the latest beauty regeme  fer ta help her look 100 years younger.

Ta take the years off her, the experts had drilled her, filled her and grilled her, and willed her ta keep off the cabbage sangwiches and ta quit smoken the doogeen. They also told her she'd have ta give up the moanen and the groanen and ta basically lighten the fluich up.

Well, that inspired her ta go on the comedy circuit fer ta spread some joy ta the world fer a change, and next thing ya know, wasn't she up on Mr Slasher’s counter doen her stand-up  routine.

Well, the poor woman was just dyen on her newly-stillittoed-feet, belten out cringe-worthy clangers like:

What do ya call a basket of witty fruit? A punnet a punsters.

What's black and white and wed all over? Two nuns getten married.

By the time she came ta:   What goes tick-shock, tick-shock? A clock watchen a horror filem,  we were all dyen from the cringen but we just didn't have the hart ta tell her.

But then, finally, didn't MadDogTed start shouten at her ta shut the fluich up and started throwen the left over cabbage and spuds from his dinner at her.

We'll never know if he did it outta pure panic or if he got one of  his pure genius attacks, but no matter, it did the trick fer sure - cos at the mere sniff of the cabbage didn't the wrinkles on Peig's face begin ta reappear and alla her new teeth fell out and her hair went back ta grey and she started tellen us the doomiest, gloomiest stories ever. And no codden, I never saw anyone looken so radiant.

Flake News part 3

MaddDogTed has a go at reporting on the important stuff - like what we're all eating for breakfast these days.          💣

alotta peeple do be axken me wot I do be haven 4 me brekfist & i do b sayen back 2 dem mind yer own f n bussinness

tune n nxt time 4 more a da same cos dis is a cereal

b f n c n u l8r

maddogtebby x