Friday 19 May 2017

Climate Change and the Environment

GallantTed gives us the lowdown on Greenhouse Gasses and the 
Ozone layer and gets nothing but abuse for his trouble:

PART ONE



Howye fokes! How is things? Isn’t that global warmen lark just terrable alltagather? We’re all goen ta fry, I'll tell ya. Ya see, the temperature is risen cos a alla them greenhouse gasses, and there’s a big huge hole in the ozone layer, and soon the earth will be roasten alltagather and the seas will be risen and we’re all goen ta be drownded in our beds.

And the worst thing is that fer years everyone blamed the carbon dioxide emmissions from alla them big huge cars fer the catastrafee. But the grate news, brought ta ya exclusively by Ted, is that ya can hould onta yer SUV Missus, cos all along it was the cows what was doen the damage. 

Ya see, methane is one a the main greenhouse gasses, and after a good feed a the grass doesn’t the cattle beyont in the field be emmitten fierce amounts a this silent but violint gas in ta the unsuspecten atmosphere. And then, alla this wind gets trapped inta the stratasphere and it gets fierce windy alltagather and storms do be bellowen up all over the place. Er, or somethin like that.

Anyways, the bottom line is that as worldly citizins of Mammy Earth, we’re all goen ta have ta think offa a way ta get them cows ta change their diets. Ya could always insist that they take a couple a antiacid tablets after each grassy meal, but as the have four stomachs a piece this might prove ta be fierce costly alltagather. And besides, I know meself that some cows don’t like ta be doen the drugs.

A course, I meself think the best option is ta make good use a alla them idle bull bars on yer four wheel drives and just go in and plough the lot a them mooey windbags away. Then ya’d really be doen somethin ta help the enviromint.


PART TWO - THE BOVINIAL BACKLASH



Lissen, it looks as if I stepped on a few sensitive hooves when I wrote about how the eaten habits a them cows is responsible fer the global warmen. Here’s a letter what I got:
Dear Mr. Ted,

Upon reading your ominous comments of last week blaming the cataclysm that is global warming on the unpresumptuous cow, the girls and I had no choice but to call an emergency meeting in the back field whence we passed a motion behooooving us to write to you forthwith, expressing our downright vexation at your uncavalier attitude towards our wholesome eating habits.

“What’s the beef?”  “What’s he dung?” “How cud he?”  “He’s reached an all time loooow”,  “I’ll be in a bad moooood all week, now”, were just some of the pronouncement which bellowed from from the quivering maws of my deeply wounded companions.

Mr. Ted, although against my cultivated principles, it behooooves me to looower myself and remind you of the numerous times we girls had to hastily hoof it up the hills, lest we prematurely expired from the stiffling after-effects of those curried-beans and porter suppers that you and your ursine cohorts seem so fond of. What can I say, Mr. Ted, save that you are an indubitable and unequivocal farce.
          Yours sincerely
Harriet Heffer(Miss)


Dear Mizzzz Heffer

And what can I say, cept that there’s enuff hot air and gas in that most long-windedness a letters fer ta melt at least haff a dozen ice caps and still have enuff steem left over fer ta blow a other hole in the ozone layer. As fer yer passen motions in the back field - too much infermation, Missus, too much infermation.

Be seein ya
GallantTed



 PART THREE  - SUCH EFFEN BULL


 Ill tell ye, all us poor Teds is tryen ta do is ta heel the world by keepen the greenhouse gasses down and if them cows wont make any admissions fer their emmissions all I can do is keep exploiten them fer the dang dung flingers what they are. As fer the abuse what theyre hurlen at a poor innocint Teds just take a look at the letter below. MadDogTed is haven nonea it fer sure.
Hay Ted
You good for nothing flea bag. Who do you effin think you are writen that load of bullocks about how the cattle community is responsible for global warming? And whats the big effin idea about insulting my girls, especially poor Harriet who wrote to you in an effort to defend our kin and kine? 

My girls are so upset by your attitude that many of them are refusing to eat, scared in case the world will abruptly end as soon as they put the next scrap in to their gobs. But worst of effin all, many of them are refusing me my conjugal rights, scared to bring any more destructive calves into the world. And where does that leave me, Teddyboy?  Bull effin idle thats where.
Ive been looking forward to a roll in the hay with Harriet Heffer for weeks now and Im warning you, Buster, if you dont apologise at once Id advise you to dust down your togs cos youll be going swimming in the slurry pit very soon.

Signed: Billy Big Ones


hay urself billy big 1s
us teds gnow where u f n liv
& if u don
t shut da f up
we will send da boys round 
4 2 have ur f n hed on a plate
& all ur f n gnobbly bits 2 boot
so enuff a ur f n guff big boy
unless ur tinken a shortnen ur name 2 just billy

b f n c n u l8r g8
sined maddogtebby  x
















Sunday 14 May 2017

Féach News - LOOK an Exclusive interview with Enda Kenny

GallantTed bags an Exclusive interview with Irish Taoiseach, Enda Kenny,  and gets the scoop on when he's actually going to retire.



Feach ar seo, Lads. Is it a bird or a plane or
 a muc faoin speir
GTed: Howya Enda.
Enda: Howya Ted.
GTed: So, tell us - when are ya goen ta step aside?
Enda: Stepaside, is it? I suppose the next time I go to the Leopardstown races. I might do a quick uturn and pop into Stepaside for a burger and chips.
GTed: Ah no, I mean when are ya goen ta retire?
Enda: Well seen as it's you, I'll tell you. I feel I'm needed until Brexit and the North are sorted out. So I'll probably stick around until the 12th.
GTed: The 12th of July, ya mean?
Enda: Er, no. I was thinking more of the 12th of never.
GTed: I suppose ya might be around fer ta present Sam ta the Boys from Mayo, so. The red and green abu, fer sure and all that sorta stuff.
Enda: That's right, Ted. And Godot will finally arrive to boot - he come flying in on the pig's back. I'll definitely take my leave then.


Friday 12 May 2017

LAMBS in a STEW

GallantTed explains how there is more than one way  a dog can worry a little lamb. The results just might shock you.


Howye fokes! How is things?  Liven in these parts,
where we get loadsa and loadsa weather, it’s often hard fer ta know exactly what time of the year it is.  But once them frisky little lambs gambol their way inta Slashers Bar & Grill™ we can always tell fer sure that the seasons are a changen and that spring has finally sprung, and alla that sorta stuff.

And I
ll tell ya, them little balls a wool just love their bitta gambollen. They gambol on the horses, they gambol on the cards, they gambol on the dice, they gambol on the next song ta be played outa the radio. 

But their most favourite thing ta be gambollen on is the dogs.

They usually sit over by the window, with one pinta fizzy orange between them - and 7 straws ta boot - and carefully study the form of the dogs on the street outside. And then, after much consideration and after taken a few slurps of the communal orange the gambollen will start.

Betcha that cur by the lamp post is a bitch”, one will say ta the other.

Betcha shes not.

Betcha hes a out-and-out sheep worrier”, another will say.

Betcha shes not.

Betcha  yer too chicken fer ta go out and find out wether she is or he isnt.

Betcha Im not.

Anyways, this was the exact scenario the other day when MadDogTed evintually had ta go over ta see if he could settle the bet and shut them up cos their incessant bleeten was getten too much fer his sinsitive little ears. And so fer a small fee he offered fer ta go out and see if the sed dog was or wasn
t a sheep worrier.
So out he went and after haven a few words with the dog he came back in with the much awaited  result.     

 Hes a sheep worrier fer sure,” sed MadDogTed.

 How do ya know  that? sed the lambs.

Cos he told me fer ta tell ye that a huge consignment of mint sauce had just been delivered ta the local butchers.

Well, the little sheep were fierce worried at that fer sure and ordered 7 pintsa orange and gin fer ta help ferget their troubles. I suppose it were a case a ‘dinner all right’ fer sure.