Climate Change and the Environment

GallantTed gives us the lowdown on Greenhouse Gasses and the 

Ozone layer and gets nothing but abuse for his trouble:

PART ONE

Howye fokes! How is things? Isn’t that global warmen lark just terrable alltagather? We’re all goen ta fry, I'll tell ya. Ya see, the temperature is risen cos a alla them greenhouse gasses, and there’s a big huge hole in the ozone layer, and soon the earth will be roasten alltagather and the seas will be risen and we’re all goen ta be drownded in our beds. And the worst thing is that fer years everyone blamed the carbon dioxide emmissions from alla them big huge cars fer the catastrafee. But the grate news, brought ta ya exclusively by Ted, is that ya can hould onta yer SUV Missus, cos all along it was the cows what was doen the damage.  Ya see, methane is one a the main greenhouse gasses, and after a good feed a the grass doesn’t the cattle beyont in the field be emmitten fierce amounts a this silent but violint gas in ta the unsuspecten atmosphere. And then, alla this wind gets trapped inta the stratasphere and it gets fierce windy alltagather and storms do be bellowen up all over the place. Er, or somethin like that. Anyways, the bottom line is that as worldly citizins of Mammy Earth, we’re all goen ta have ta think offa a way ta get them cows ta change their diets. Ya could always insist that they take a couple a antiacid tablets after each grassy meal, but as the have four stomachs a piece this might prove ta be fierce costly alltagather. And besides, I know meself that some cows don’t like ta be doen the drugs. A course, I meself think the best option is ta make good use a alla them idle bull bars on yer four wheel drives and just go in and plough the lot a them mooey windbags away. Then ya’d really be doen somethin ta help the enviromint. PART TWO - THE BOVINIAL BACKLASH Lissen, it looks as if I stepped on a few sensitive hooves when I wrote about how the eaten habits a them cows is responsible fer the global warmen. Here’s a letter what I got: Dear Mr. Ted, Upon reading your ominous comments of last week blaming the cataclysm that is global warming on the unpresumptuous cow, the girls and I had no choice but to call an emergency meeting in the back field whence we passed a motion behooooving us to write to you forthwith, expressing our downright vexation at your uncavalier attitude towards our wholesome eating habits. “What’s the beef?”  “What’s he dung?” “How cud he?”  “He’s reached an all time loooow”,  “I’ll be in a bad moooood all week, now”, were just some of the pronouncement which bellowed from from the quivering maws of my deeply wounded companions. Mr. Ted, although against my cultivated principles, it behooooves me to looower myself and remind you of the numerous times we girls had to hastily hoof it up the hills, lest we prematurely expired from the stiffling after-effects of those curried-beans and porter suppers that you and your ursine cohorts seem so fond of. What can I say, Mr. Ted, save that you are an indubitable and unequivocal farce.           Yours sincerely Harriet Heffer(Miss) Dear Mizzzz Heffer And what can I say, cept that there’s enuff hot air and gas in that most long-windedness a letters fer ta melt at least haff a dozen ice caps and still have enuff steem left over fer ta blow a other hole in the ozone layer. As fer yer passen motions in the back field - too much infermation, Missus, too much infermation. Be seein ya GallantTed  PART THREE  - SUCH EFFEN BULL  I’ll tell ye, all us poor Teds is tryen ta do is ta heel the world by keepen the greenhouse gasses down and if them cows won’t make any admissions fer their emmissions all I can do is keep exploiten them fer the dang dung flingers what they are. As fer the abuse what they’re hurlen at a poor innocint Teds just take a look at the letter below. MadDogTed is haven nonea it fer sure. Hay Ted You good for nothing flea bag. Who do you effin think you are writen that load of bullocks about how the cattle community is responsible for global warming? And what’s the big effin idea about insulting my girls, especially poor Harriet who wrote to you in an effort to defend our kin and kine?  My girls are so upset by your attitude that many of them are refusing to eat, scared in case the world will abruptly end as soon as they put the next scrap in to their gobs. But worst of effin all, many of them are refusing me my conjugal rights, scared to bring any more destructive calves into the world. And where does that leave me, Teddyboy?  Bull effin idle – that’s where. I’ve been looking forward to a roll in the hay with Harriet Heffer for weeks now and I’m warning you, Buster, if you don’t apologise at once I’d advise you to dust down your togs cos you’ll be going swimming in the slurry pit very soon. Signed: Billy Big Ones hay urself billy big 1s us teds gnow where u f n liv & if u dont shut da f up we will send da boys round  4 2 have ur f n hed on a plate & all ur f n gnobbly bits 2 boot so enuff a ur f n guff big boy unless ur tinken a shortnen ur name 2 just billy b f n c n u l8r g8 sined maddogtebby  x