Wednesday, 12 July 2017

Peig Sayers meets The Teds in Slasher's Bar and Grill

Howye fokes! How is things? Who do ya think popped inta Slasher's Bar and Grill the other night, only Peig SoothSayers, the Gaelgoric misfortune teller from them bygone days of yore.

She was in a strange mood alltagather and I taught meself that she looked a biteen shook fer sure. But then she started  tellen us that she was haff ded from the hunger and the sheer pain of sufferen fer yer beauty. Ya see, she was on the latest beauty regeme  fer ta help her look 100 years younger.

Ta take the years off her, the experts had drilled her, filled her and grilled her, and willed her ta keep off the cabbage sangwiches and ta quit smoken the doogeen. They also told her she'd have ta give up the moanen and the groanen and ta basically lighten the fluich up.

Well, that inspired her ta go on the comedy circuit fer ta spread some joy ta the world fer a change, and next thing ya know, wasn't she up on Mr Slasher’s counter doen her stand-up  routine.

Well, the poor woman was just dyen on her newly-stillittoed-feet, belten out cringe-worthy clangers like:

What do ya call a basket of witty fruit? A punnet a punsters.

What's black and white and wed all over? Two nuns getten married.

By the time she came ta:   What goes tick-shock, tick-shock? A clock watchen a horror filem,  we were all dyen from the cringen but we just didn't have the hart ta tell her.

But then, finally, didn't MadDogTed start shouten at her ta shut the fluich up and started throwen the left over cabbage and spuds from his dinner at her.

We'll never know if he did it outta pure panic or if he got one of  his pure genius attacks, but no matter, it did the trick fer sure - cos at the mere sniff of the cabbage didn't the wrinkles on Peig's face begin ta reappear and alla her new teeth fell out and her hair went back ta grey and she started tellen us the doomiest, gloomiest stories ever. And no codden, I never saw anyone looken so radiant.

Sunday, 25 June 2017

Flake News part 3

MaddDogTed has a go at reporting on the important stuff - like what we're all eating for breakfast these days.          💣

alotta peeple do be axken me wot I do be haven 4 me brekfist & i do b sayen back 2 dem mind yer own f n bussinness

tune n nxt time 4 more a da same cos dis is a cereal

b f n c n u l8r
maddogtebby x

Saturday, 24 June 2017

Hairy Cock & Bull Story

Howye fokes! How is things! As I mentioned last week,
me pal, Albear Camoo, decided ta take a new direction in his writen and taught he’d try his paw at a bitta the Chick Lit what’s all the rage at the minute.

His second novel in this genere called,  A Bad Hare Day, has just been published and is a right hart-renchen rollercoaster ride of emotions alltagather. It’s all about a fierce vane Rooster called Roberto what falls in love with Martha, a glamerous Hare what comes from the other side of the chicken wire. Romeo and Juliet was never in it with this pair, I’ll tell ya, and things do be goen grand alltagather until the fatefull day when Roberto discovers a gray hare in his comb.

The poor fella didn’t know what ta do and at furst kept the problem well hidden under his hat. Then after many sleepless nights of dispair he valiantally decided ta get some professional help. It was here that our intrepid hero was intraduced ta the murky world a hair colouren and after a soul destroyen journey through the ups and downs of highlights and lowlights, Roberto soon found himself choosen the harder option of all-out streeken.

Meanwhile, a distraught Martha didn’t know what exactly was goen on with her once ardent beau and was haven her own sleepless nights of dispair wonderen if there was somethin the matter with her cos her Roberto seemed ta have a problem goen all the way. It was then that she made the daren decision ta change the colour of her own beautiful tresses. So our intrepid heroine was also intarduced ta the murky world a hare colouren and it weren’t long before she too had reached the all-out streeken phase. But was this enuff  ta save the tainted passion of our  tint-crossed lovers?

Well, fokes after more hart-renchen sleepless nights of dispair and all that sorta stuff, I’ve no dout in me furry little mind that ya’ll be bursten ta know the final outcome. Now, I don’t want ta give too much away at this pistnt, but suffice ta say that, yes! yes! yes! – they eventually did go all the way and tragically they both dyed in the end.

Saturday, 17 June 2017

Chick Lit Wars

GallantTed reviews the latest books from the Chick Lit stable

John with the Wind by MadDogTed

Howye fokes! How is things?  I’ll tell ye, MadDogTed decided ta have go at writen somethin in the Chick Lit vane fer the craic and his little offeren called John with the Wind is all about a vain weather cock called John what finds it hard ta find love cos he’s stook on top of the barn and never gets ta meet anyone and, as a result takes ta overdosen on beans fer ta fill the emotional void inside of him. Subsequently, he gets a pernamint dose a the flatulince what effects his work grately cos he’s never quite sure which way the wind does be blowen and ends up haven ta rely on his bunions fer ta predict the weather.

But then he meets the love of his life, Muriel the blackburd, what flies inta his lonely life and  buys him some corn plasters fer his burthday and cures his bunions. Of course, this means he can no longer forcast the weather cos as a further token of her affections, Muriel just loves ta feed him beans, so he still hasn’t a clue which way the wind does be blowen. Anyways, as a result dosen’t he lose his job and the destitute pair of  love burds end up bitter, down-and-out, fly-by-night renegades what spend the resta  their lives on the rampage, brutally gorgen the eyes outta any weathermen what crosses their path and  violently knocken the heads offa any Child a Prague statue what gets in their way.

Basically, ya could say the the two a them completely lost the plot. Which is really what MadDogTed’s furst attempt at a romantic novel does from the very furst word what he wrote. Fer that reason, ya can imagine me surprise when he told me that he’d actually found a publisher fer his odious opus. And when I sed  that his novel didn’t quite embrace the sweet romantic essince of what Chick Lit is all about he sed, “Chick Lit, me arse, it’s Sick Lit what I do be writen, fer sure!” And I’ll tell ye fokes, there’s no better Ted fer the job.

To Fleece A Sheep by Albear Camoo

Howye fokes! How is things?   After the grate success a MadDogTed’s furst Sick Lit novel, John with the Wind, there was no way that me other literary pal, Albear Camoo, was goen ta be out done and a right battle of lits enscewed as he rushed ta get his first novel in the Chick Lit genre published.

His new novel, Ta Fleece a Sheep, is full of passion, intrigue, betrayal and all that sorta stuff and is all about a fierce rich but socially inept  Farmer what longs ta be runnen with the* In Crowd* but is cursed by the mark a the agricultural wellinton. He desperately tries ta hide his brutally boorish beginnens and bumptiousally makes several attimpts ta launch himself inta high society, but constantly gives his poor breeden away - like the time he bought his way inta a reel fancy card game only ta make a holy show outta himself by spitten on his hands every time a spade was delt.

Anyways, one fatefull night, a fierce mysterious and glamerous woman enters his life
and he’s fierce delighted with himself alltagather. But tragically, what our woolly-headed frend doesn’t realize is that his new lover is really only a washed-out, mutton-dressed-as lamb, gallopen trollop offa gold digger what’s only after his money.

Now, I can’t be given too much more away at this pint, but I’m not codden ya, yer eyes will be glued ta the pages as ya enter this exciten world a thrills, spills, glitz,  treachery, fizzy sheep dip on ice and all that sorta stuff. It promises ta be a grate read alltagather and one ya should definitely pack inta yer suit case when yer goen on yer hollimadays.