Saturday, 17 June 2017

Chick Lit Wars

GallantTed reviews the latest books from the Chick Lit stable

John with the Wind by MadDogTed

Howye fokes! How is things?  I’ll tell ye, MadDogTed decided ta have go at writen somethin in the Chick Lit vane fer the craic and his little offeren called John with the Wind is all about a vain weather cock called John what finds it hard ta find love cos he’s stook on top of the barn and never gets ta meet anyone and, as a result takes ta overdosen on beans fer ta fill the emotional void inside of him. Subsequently, he gets a pernamint dose a the flatulince what effects his work grately cos he’s never quite sure which way the wind does be blowen and ends up haven ta rely on his bunions fer ta predict the weather.

But then he meets the love of his life, Muriel the blackburd, what flies inta his lonely life and  buys him some corn plasters fer his burthday and cures his bunions. Of course, this means he can no longer forcast the weather cos as a further token of her affections, Muriel just loves ta feed him beans, so he still hasn’t a clue which way the wind does be blowen. Anyways, as a result dosen’t he lose his job and the destitute pair of  love burds end up bitter, down-and-out, fly-by-night renegades what spend the resta  their lives on the rampage, brutally gorgen the eyes outta any weathermen what crosses their path and  violently knocken the heads offa any Child a Prague statue what gets in their way.

Basically, ya could say the the two a them completely lost the plot. Which is really what MadDogTed’s furst attempt at a romantic novel does from the very furst word what he wrote. Fer that reason, ya can imagine me surprise when he told me that he’d actually found a publisher fer his odious opus. And when I sed  that his novel didn’t quite embrace the sweet romantic essince of what Chick Lit is all about he sed, “Chick Lit, me arse, it’s Sick Lit what I do be writen, fer sure!” And I’ll tell ye fokes, there’s no better Ted fer the job.

To Fleece A Sheep by Albear Camoo

Howye fokes! How is things?   After the grate success a MadDogTed’s furst Sick Lit novel, John with the Wind, there was no way that me other literary pal, Albear Camoo, was goen ta be out done and a right battle of lits enscewed as he rushed ta get his first novel in the Chick Lit genre published.

His new novel, Ta Fleece a Sheep, is full of passion, intrigue, betrayal and all that sorta stuff and is all about a fierce rich but socially inept  Farmer what longs ta be runnen with the* In Crowd* but is cursed by the mark a the agricultural wellinton. He desperately tries ta hide his brutally boorish beginnens and bumptiousally makes several attimpts ta launch himself inta high society, but constantly gives his poor breeden away - like the time he bought his way inta a reel fancy card game only ta make a holy show outta himself by spitten on his hands every time a spade was delt.

Anyways, one fatefull night, a fierce mysterious and glamerous woman enters his life
and he’s fierce delighted with himself alltagather. But tragically, what our woolly-headed frend doesn’t realize is that his new lover is really only a washed-out, mutton-dressed-as lamb, gallopen trollop offa gold digger what’s only after his money.

Now, I can’t be given too much more away at this pint, but I’m not codden ya, yer eyes will be glued ta the pages as ya enter this exciten world a thrills, spills, glitz,  treachery, fizzy sheep dip on ice and all that sorta stuff. It promises ta be a grate read alltagather and one ya should definitely pack inta yer suit case when yer goen on yer hollimadays. 

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