Saturday, 24 March 2018

Free Winks for Everyone


Howye fokes!

How is things? I've grate news alltagather fer ye this week! What with spring arriven and everythin, I've specially comissioned (outa me own pocket, mind) MadDogTed ta send ye all out some of his world renouned Salacious Winks. That's right fokes, FREE Salacious Winks from the shifty eyes of MadDogTed fer everyone.

And that's not all! Each recipiant will also receive this personally signed pome beautifully pinned by the sinsitive paws of MadDogTed himself:

roses is red  vilence is blu

slayshuss winks 4 u u & u

but not u goldilox ya f n trollip ya

luv  mabbogtebby  X

Terms and conditions apply. FREE salacious winks can only be downloaded usen the hi-tech salacious winks modum priced at just $89.99. Furst wink only is free. All others cost $16.50 from the left eye (distempered) and $21.99 from the right (tempered). Checks payable ta GallantTed Merchandisen Inc.

Speaken of which, I just got a hart renchen email from me pal, Quasi Modum. The poor fella hasn't had much look since his belle, Ezmeralda, ran off with the campoligist with the big huge seta ding-dongs. Anyways, after years of grieven he wants me ta tell ye that he's back on the market. He's a simple enuff fella ta please, has a sound job and is a grate lissner alltagather. He's fierce easy goen too and hardly ever gets the hump. He's looken fer a lady with a very GSOH and good child-bearen hips. And a pleasant face ta boot - not fer himself mind, but fer the sake of the children.

So there ye have it laydees - what are ye waiten fer?  Go on, give him a bell!

Saturday, 17 March 2018

GallantTed talks about MadDogTed's first hangover and his fluency in da Irish

Dow cuss lin nave paw rig ass peg more na here in.
Isn’t it grate ta have the cupla focail all the same? A course, me pal MadDogTed is fierce fluent alltagather and was a fine scholar a the Gaelic when he was a young cubbog. He even nearly won a fainne nua fer the effort below cept he ran outa time in the exam and never got it finished.

mo chéad hangover
déirigh mé go muc ar maidin

bhí tinneas cinn orm

da pig wasnt feelen 2 gr8 neither

bhí madra ag tafann

& da f  n  pig was coffen

bhí mo cheann mar cábaiste orm

chuaigh mé go dhí an seomra folca agus dúirt mé mo phaidreacha sa teileafón mór bháin

chuir me uisce sa mbáisín agus nigh me mo chluasa agus chíor me mo chluasa agus nigh mé mo chuid eadaí

cos dats how we dun it n dem times fadó fadó

dfhéach me amach an fhuinneog agus chonaic me seán agus máire

ansin fuair me scaub fiacal agus chuir me taos fiacal ar an scuab

nigh raibh aon fiacla agam

seo é seán agus seo í máire ach cá bhfuil mo fhiacla

bhí seán agus máire ag súgradh le mo fhiacla

bhí an muc ag gáire fuaim agus bhí fearg dearg orm

caith me an muc as an fhuinneog

a muc faoin spéir agus thit sé ar seán

bhí seán ag cur fola

thainaig na gardaí

da borstal 4 bold bears wud b me nxt stop 4 sure

ted bocht

i wos ritely f …

Well folks, that’s as far as me little pal got before he had ta stop written so we’ll never know how the story finished. All I can tell ye is that the teacher came down and gave him a right thump on the hed fer not leaven down his pen and every bitta the Gaelic disappeared outa him fer good.

Wednesday, 12 July 2017

Peig Sayers meets The Teds in Slasher's Bar and Grill

Howye fokes! How is things? Who do ya think popped inta Slasher's Bar and Grill the other night, only Peig SoothSayers, the Gaelgoric misfortune teller from them bygone days of yore.

She was in a strange mood alltagather and I taught meself that she looked a biteen shook fer sure. But then she started  tellen us that she was haff ded from the hunger and the sheer pain of sufferen fer yer beauty. Ya see, she was on the latest beauty regeme  fer ta help her look 100 years younger.

Ta take the years off her, the experts had drilled her, filled her and grilled her, and willed her ta keep off the cabbage sangwiches and ta quit smoken the doogeen. They also told her she'd have ta give up the moanen and the groanen and ta basically lighten the fluich up.

Well, that inspired her ta go on the comedy circuit fer ta spread some joy ta the world fer a change, and next thing ya know, wasn't she up on Mr Slasher’s counter doen her stand-up  routine.

Well, the poor woman was just dyen on her newly-stillittoed-feet, belten out cringe-worthy clangers like:

What do ya call a basket of witty fruit? A punnet a punsters.

What's black and white and wed all over? Two nuns getten married.

By the time she came ta:   What goes tick-shock, tick-shock? A clock watchen a horror filem,  we were all dyen from the cringen but we just didn't have the hart ta tell her.

But then, finally, didn't MadDogTed start shouten at her ta shut the fluich up and started throwen the left over cabbage and spuds from his dinner at her.

We'll never know if he did it outta pure panic or if he got one of  his pure genius attacks, but no matter, it did the trick fer sure - cos at the mere sniff of the cabbage didn't the wrinkles on Peig's face begin ta reappear and alla her new teeth fell out and her hair went back ta grey and she started tellen us the doomiest, gloomiest stories ever. And no codden, I never saw anyone looken so radiant.

Sunday, 25 June 2017

Flake News part 3

MaddDogTed has a go at reporting on the important stuff - like what we're all eating for breakfast these days.          💣

alotta peeple do be axken me wot I do be haven 4 me brekfist & i do b sayen back 2 dem mind yer own f n bussinness

tune n nxt time 4 more a da same cos dis is a cereal

b f n c n u l8r
maddogtebby x