Féach News - LOOK an Exclusive interview with Enda Kenny

GallantTed bags an Exclusive interview with Irish Taoiseach, Enda Kenny,  and gets the scoop on when he's actually going to retire.

Feach ar seo, Lads. Is it a bird or a plane or
 a muc faoin speir

GTed: Howya Enda.

Enda: Howya Ted.

GTed: So, tell us - when are ya goen ta step aside?

Enda: Stepaside, is it? I suppose the next time I go to the Leopardstown races. I might do a quick uturn and pop into Stepaside for a burger and chips.

GTed: Ah no, I mean when are ya goen ta retire?

Enda: Well seen as it's you, I'll tell you. I feel I'm needed until Brexit and the North are sorted out. So I'll probably stick around until the 12th.

GTed: The 12th of July, ya mean?

Enda: Er, no. I was thinking more of the 12th of never.

GTed: I suppose ya might be around fer ta present Sam ta the Boys from Mayo, so. The red and green abu, fer sure and all that sorta stuff.

Enda: That's right, Ted. And Godot will finally arrive to boot - he come flying in on the pig's back. I'll definitely take my leave then.

LAMBS in a STEW

GallantTed explains how there is more than one way  a dog can worry a little lamb. The results just might shock you.

Howye fokes! How is things?  Liven in these parts,

where we get loadsa and loadsa weather, it’s often hard fer ta know exactly what time of the year it is.  But once them frisky little lambs gambol their way inta Slasher’s Bar & Grill™ we can always tell fer sure that the seasons are a changen and that spring has finally sprung, and alla that sorta stuff.

And I’ll tell ya, them little balls a wool just love their bitta gambollen. They gambol on the horses, they gambol on the cards, they gambol on the dice, they gambol on the next song ta be played outa the radio. 

But their most favourite thing ta be gambollen on is the dogs.

They usually sit over by the window, with one pinta fizzy orange between them - and 7 straws ta boot - and carefully study the form of the dogs on the street outside. And then, after much consideration and after taken a few slurps of the communal orange the gambollen will start.

“Betcha that cur by the lamp post is a bitch”, one will say ta the other.

“Betcha she’s not.”

“Betcha he’s a out-and-out sheep worrier”, another will say.

“Betcha she’s not.”

“Betcha  yer too chicken fer ta go out and find out wether she is or he isn’t.”

“Betcha I’m not.”

Anyways, this was the exact scenario the other day when MadDogTed evintually had ta go over ta see if he could settle the bet and shut them up cos their incessant bleeten was getten too much fer his sinsitive little ears. And so fer a small fee he offered fer ta go out and see if the sed dog was or wasn’t a sheep worrier.
So out he went and after haven a few words with the dog he came back in with the much awaited  result.     

 “He’s a sheep worrier fer sure,” sed MadDogTed.

 “How do ya know  that?” sed the lambs.

“Cos he told me fer ta tell ye that a huge consignment of mint sauce had just been delivered ta the local butchers.”

Well, the little sheep were fierce worried at that fer sure and ordered 7 pintsa orange and gin fer ta help ferget their troubles. I suppose it were a case a ‘dinner all right’ fer sure.

FLAKE NEWS part 2

Brussels is set to BAN the 99 ice cream. Our Top Analysist,  Albear Camoo has the full story and will fill you all in as soon as he has either guzzled or hidden his stash of this iconic favourite. Brb                  

Oops, brain freeze. Brb again.

Ok, here we go... It's all to do with decimalisation, you see. 99 means nothing in the decimal system and top bureaucrats believe this number will have to be changed to 99.9.

They did consider rounding off the 99 to the '100', but realized it could be confused with the 100s & 1000s which are often sprinkled onto the ice cream.

This led to a serious discussion on size-uniformity of 100s and 1000s and it was decreed that a new directive will have to be installed to make sure that these tiny treats are all the exact same length.
It's also going to be a criminal offence to have more red, yellow or pink sprinkles than purple or green ones on your ice cream cone.

So next time you buy your favourite ice cream make sure to ask for a "Ninety point nine with evenly sized 100s and 1000s in the correct colour ratio with a huge dollop of banana sauce but only if it's blended from a non-bendy banana"

Sure the summer'd be well over by the time you'd get through that lot.

Aristotle asks Ted for advice on shaping a Fluxed-up World

• 

Ted is All Knowing

   
Howye fokes! How is things? As usual me postbag is just bursten with yer letters and queries. I'll kick off with this one from a Mr R S Tottle what reads:

Dear GallantTed, I'm busy writing a thesis on words and phrases we use that have no connection to their origins. For example, turkeys did not originate in Turkey. Other words include, dutch courage, guinea pig, german measles etc.

Ted, I'm wondering if you could cite me a few more examples for my project and perhaps get your intellectual little friend, Albear Camoo, to help you…er.. just in case your wordy self over looks a few phrases.  R S Tottle

Well, R S, ya've come ta the right place fer sure fer yer query and there's no bear more lexical than meself fer the job in paw. Unfortunatly, Albear Camoo is busy doen a spota gamblen, boozen and general carrousen at the minute so he’s avalable ta give his oponion.

But not ta worry cos I consulted me trusty Tedasauras (partly wrote by meself) and came up with a grate list alltagather of missplaced words and frases what have nothin ta do with their origions:

• Tibetan Horses
• Maine Frame                             
• Chile Willy                            
• France is Baken                         
• Thai Breaker   
• Mayo Nays 
• Frank Forth (Ted Furst)
• Czech Shirt  
• Russian Around  
• Columbo 
• Karachi Chop
• College Liberian

Hope this answers yer query.