MadDogTed reviews Dan Brown's The da Vinci Code

MadDogTed haven a slurp of Da Ale

da da vinci code

wot da f n f is dat about anyways

i read it 2 times meself u gnow

but i didnt understand a f n word of it da 1st time

but den gallanted told me dat its written n a secret code

so i read it agian but dis time I read it backwards

& standen on me head 2 boot & den it made perfect sense 2 me

4 them of u wats 2 thick 2 cop on ill now tell u wot da f n f  its all about

its about a hunt 4 da holy gray ale & peeple do b murderen each

other & evrythin 4  2 find it cos they must have a fierce f n thirst

on them r sumthin like dat

anyways they end up at da last supper 4 2 find it

but theres no room at da n 4 them

cos theres already a load of men and sum1s missus there slurpen away

so they have 2 go home without getten a sup of dis magic gray ale

Of course the hole book is a total f n hoax 4 sure

cos us teddy bears gnow xactly where da holy gray ale is

n fact im guzzlen sum now as i write dis cos its been hidden deep down

n da cellers of Slashers Bar & Grill 4 donkeys years

xactly where dat dan brown fella cant get his grubby f n paws on it

b f n c n u l8r g8r

 sined   mabbogteddy x 

GallantTed speaks out on an Event that may have Shaped GOLDILOCKS

Howye fokes! How is things?  Browsen through me Tedasaurus the other day, I came across a little piece about me Fourbear, Pra da Panda, what was once the Nation’s top designer and what invented the stone-washed jean back in the last few weeks of the Stone Age.

The peasant fokes was delighted alltagather with their new trews, until the flaxen-haired daughtera the local Locks Clan [no furst name recorded] started sayen that everyone was looken fierce scruffy alltagather in the new gear. [At this pint we can only speculate that this spite was outta pure jealously cos her prehistoric arse was too big ta fit in ta them]. Well, me Fourbears was taken none of these insults fer sure, and after discoveren the resta the world fer ta subsequently invent the WWW, they looked up the Iron Age on Google, got it delivered, and then left it ta Ted the Inventer ta invent the very furst steam iron.

Ted the Onterpineer took things over from here and was in the middle of plannen the very furst laundrette when his plannen permission was blocked by a mysterious objecter, on the grounds that it might hamper the allready scanty bleach and hair dyen peroxide supplies. And next thing ya know hadn’t the local Locks Clan opened up the furst wash-house in the area. Well, in the heela the reel, the Ted population wasn’t too disappinted with their loss cos it soon transpired that this was firece sweaty work alltagather and they had loads of time ta develop the art of gamblen, boozen and general carrousen while the flaxen-haired daughtera the local Locks clan had ta spend all her days slaven away over a hot iron.

Then one day while she was nosen through the jeans pockets of one a the Marks Brothers [whether Ted or Carl is not recorded] didn’t she come across the haff finished tedifesto on slave labour and decided ta there and then down tools and refuse ta work any more until some of the Teds agreed ta help her. Unlookily fer her, didn’t she ferget ta turn off the iron and the jint burnt down ta a cinder, leaven the Locks Clan destitute fer yonks ta come.

Which just goes ta show ye fokes, ya should never strike while the iron is hot.

Samuel Beckett by Guest Author GallantTed

Howye fokes! How is things? Wouldn’t that Samuel Briquette fella burn a hole in the bleek black bowels a yer brain fer sure? He wrote some grate stuff alltagather and was a infinity ahed of his time. I mean, he had wrote that mind blowen play, Waiten 4 Go.com  yonks before the internet was even invented. A course, us Teds have no problem getten him. Like the time we was all doen the course on the arta stage production and we told him ta go off fer ta find a glass hammer. He was gone fer a eternity but he had a grate laff alltagather when we eventually let him in on the joak. He just loved the aimlessness and futility of it all ta boot, and scribbled a few things down in his little bleek book. He’s got a grate heda hair on him alltagather and Albear Camoo goes up ta him and sez “Have ya updock in yer hair?” “What’s updock?”  sez Briquette.  “A, a, a, a, what’s up doc?” sez Albear, doen his best Bugs Bunny vice. Well, he nearly died a the laffen, I’ll tell ya, and told Abear  not ta be so absurd cos his hair was actually devoid of  human conditioner. Well, we hadn’t mucha a clue what he was on about, but then he added that with all our little pranks, us Teds were the only ones what totally got him every time, so then the hole thing began ta make some sense. In fact, he was so delighted with us that he called fer a celebration and told MadDogTed - what by now was haff  high at the profoundness of it all - that the drinks was on the house. And next thing ya know wasn’t me little pal up on the roof waiten fer ta be served. A course, he soon copped that Briquette was just haven him on and came down delighted with himself cos that grate man, Samual Briquette, had just got him and Lord knows, he’s about the only man what ever did. Be seein ya GallantTed