FRIDAY13th - PART ONE. First in a series of Fri 13th mishaps as told by GallantTed

MadDogTed looken lucky

Friday the 13^th began with MadDogTed looken everywhere fer his lucky horse shoe cos it was the night of the annual Big Huge Poker Tournamint where Mr Slasher puts up a great secret prize fer the winner. Poor MadDogTed couldn’t find his horse shoe anywhere but then he spotted a horse out of the winda beyont in the field and decided ta go down ta see if it'd loan him one or two of his shoes fer the night.

Before the tournament began there was no sign of MadDogTed except fer his lucky silver bucket that he usually up-turns ta sit on during these great occasions. This time he was taken no chances and he had it filled up with looky 4-leaved clovers. Suddenly, there was a big huge cuffuffal and in comes MadDogTed riden the horse and clutchen on ta a lucky black cat, just ta be sure ta be sure.

Well, the horse was a biteen nervis and was leaven a awfull mess in the jint but MadDogTed said where's there's muck there's luck, and was just about ta sit down when the lucky black cat knocked over the lucky bucket and then the horse spotted the lucky clover and ate it all and MadDogTed couldn't stop him cos me furry little pal kept slippen on the lucky muck. Well, after the feed of lucky clover, the horse was feelen fierce lucky and decided ta get in on the gamblen and was delt a royal flush and eventually ended up winnin the tournamint. No dout poor MadDogTeddy would've been heart-broke at the news if he was conscious, but at some pint he'd split his head on one of the horse's lucky shoes and was out cold.

But the thing is, the horse was actually the secret prize up fer grabs so he ended up winnin himself which, of course, is against the rules fer sure and the whole thing had ta be cancelled til next week. Whatsmore, when MadDogTed split his head open the tempory steel-plate - what was put in there after a previous Friday 13^th fiasco - fell out and transpired ta be his original missen lucky horse shoe. Upon hearen  all this great news when he eventually recovered, all me little pal could say, "Is Friday 13^th me lucky day or what?"

Free Winks for Everyone

SPONSORED  BY SLASHER'S BAR (and Grill)

Howye fokes!

How is things? I've grate news alltagather fer ye this week! What with spring arriven and everythin, I've specially comissioned (outa me own pocket, mind) MadDogTed ta send ye all out some of his world renouned Salacious Winks. That's right fokes, FREE Salacious Winks from the shifty eyes of MadDogTed fer everyone.

And that's not all! Each recipiant will also receive this personally signed pome beautifully pinned by the sinsitive paws of MadDogTed himself:

roses is red  vilence is blu

slayshuss winks 4 u u & u

but not u goldilox ya f n trollip ya

luv  mabbogtebby  X

Terms and conditions apply. FREE salacious winks can only be downloaded usen the hi-tech salacious winks modum priced at just $89.99. Furst wink only is free. All others cost $16.50 from the left eye (distempered) and $21.99 from the right (tempered). Checks payable ta GallantTed Merchandisen Inc.

Speaken of which, I just got a hart renchen email from me pal, Quasi Modum. The poor fella hasn't had much look since his belle, Ezmeralda, ran off with the campoligist with the big huge seta ding-dongs. Anyways, after years of grieven he wants me ta tell ye that he's back on the market. He's a simple enuff fella ta please, has a sound job and is a grate lissner alltagather. He's fierce easy goen too and hardly ever gets the hump. He's looken fer a lady with a very GSOH and good child-bearen hips. And a pleasant face ta boot - not fer himself mind, but fer the sake of the children.

So there ye have it laydees - what are ye waiten fer?  Go on, give him a bell!

GallantTed talks about MadDogTed's first hangover and his fluency in da Irish

Dow cuss lin nave paw rig ass peg more na here in.
Isn’t it grate ta have the cupla focail all the same? A course, me pal MadDogTed is fierce fluent alltagather and was a fine scholar a the Gaelic when he was a young cubbog. He even nearly won a fainne nua fer the effort below cept he ran outa time in the exam and never got it finished.

mo chéad hangover

déirigh mé go muc ar maidin

bhí tinneas cinn orm

da pig wasnt feelen 2 gr8 neither

bhí madra ag tafann

& da f  n  pig was coffen

bhí mo cheann mar cábaiste orm

chuaigh mé go dhí an seomra folca agus dúirt mé mo phaidreacha sa teileafón mór bháin

chuir me uisce sa mbáisín agus nigh me mo chluasa agus chíor me mo chluasa agus nigh mé mo chuid eadaí

cos dats how we dun it n dem times fadó fadó

dfhéach me amach an fhuinneog agus chonaic me seán agus máire

ansin fuair me scaub fiacal agus chuir me taos fiacal ar an scuab

nigh raibh aon fiacla agam

seo é seán agus seo í máire ach cá bhfuil mo fhiacla

bhí seán agus máire ag súgradh le mo fhiacla

bhí an muc ag gáire fuaim agus bhí fearg dearg orm

caith me an muc as an fhuinneog

a muc faoin spéir agus thit sé ar seán

bhí seán ag cur fola

thainaig na gardaí

da borstal 4 bold bears wud b me nxt stop 4 sure

ted bocht

i wos ritely f …

Well folks, that’s as far as me little pal got before he had ta stop written so we’ll never know how the story finished. All I can tell ye is that the teacher came down and gave him a right thump on the hed fer not leaven down his pen and every bitta the Gaelic disappeared outa him fer good.

Peig Sayers meets The Teds in Slasher's Bar and Grill

Howye fokes! How is things? Who do ya think popped inta Slasher's Bar and Grill the other night, only Peig SoothSayers, the Gaelgoric misfortune teller from them bygone days of yore.

She was in a strange mood alltagather and I taught meself that she looked a biteen shook fer sure. But then she started  tellen us that she was haff ded from the hunger and the sheer pain of sufferen fer yer beauty. Ya see, she was on the latest beauty regeme  fer ta help her look 100 years younger.

Ta take the years off her, the experts had drilled her, filled her and grilled her, and willed her ta keep off the cabbage sangwiches and ta quit smoken the doogeen. They also told her she'd have ta give up the moanen and the groanen and ta basically lighten the fluich up.

Well, that inspired her ta go on the comedy circuit fer ta spread some joy ta the world fer a change, and next thing ya know, wasn't she up on Mr Slasher’s counter doen her stand-up  routine.

Well, the poor woman was just dyen on her newly-stillittoed-feet, belten out cringe-worthy clangers like:

What do ya call a basket of witty fruit? A punnet a punsters.

What's black and white and wed all over? Two nuns getten married.

By the time she came ta:   What goes tick-shock, tick-shock? A clock watchen a horror filem,  we were all dyen from the cringen but we just didn't have the hart ta tell her.

But then, finally, didn't MadDogTed start shouten at her ta shut the fluich up and started throwen the left over cabbage and spuds from his dinner at her.

We'll never know if he did it outta pure panic or if he got one of  his pure genius attacks, but no matter, it did the trick fer sure - cos at the mere sniff of the cabbage didn't the wrinkles on Peig's face begin ta reappear and alla her new teeth fell out and her hair went back ta grey and she started tellen us the doomiest, gloomiest stories ever. And no codden, I never saw anyone looken so radiant.