Tuesday, 30 May 2017

Ted on Genetically Modified Religion

Howye fokes! How is things? Me little pal, MadDogTed, is just beside himself with the response what he got ta last month’s post explainen the Da Vinci code.  Of course, Im convinced meself that haff a ye is only sucken up ta him fer ta get a slurp of  the Holy Gray Ale whats been hidden beneath Slashers Bar fer years.

ll tell ye, the hole thing about Jesus haven a wife and kids is mind blowen fer sure, cos that would mean that he wasnt the divine son of God at all - just one a his regular children like the rest of us. And sure where would that leave society as we know it taday? Fer starters, the Easter Bunny and Santy would be outta job fer sure and would probably be sued ta boot fer unfair traden. And no more Furst Holy Commumion would mean no more junior fake tans, lip waxes, ringlets, fancy frocks, limos, helicopters, posh nosh dos and all that sorta stuff. And that would just cripple the economy - not ta mention the Joneses and all whose soul purpose in life is to keep up with themselves. And the govermint would have ta introduce an amesty fer ta get back all the Commumion money from them cute misers what still have it.

The shamrock and St Patrick would have ta go too, ya know - cos it would be just the Father and the Holy Ghost. Unless, of course, it
s the Father, Son, Grandson and the Holy Ghost, in which case yad have ta go fer a four-leaved clover instead the shamrock - but then again that would only cover the furst 3 generations -  unless ya were ta go fer a genetically modified clover and keep adden leaves as each new offspring was born. But then again genetic modification is totally against relegion. But on the other hand, it looks as if there no longer is any relegion. A course, if there was and ya were actually parta this divine bloodline and God was yer granddaddy, then ya'd really cash in on yer Holy Commumion day.

Lissen, I
m off fer a sup a that Holy Gray Ale before me confused little mind explodes alltagather.

Wednesday, 24 May 2017

Healthy Fruit

GallantTed  and  his cohorts enjoy a right fruit fest as Mr Slasher tries to introduce them to a more healthy lifestyle.  What happened at the end of the night just might shock you.
Howye fokes! How is things?  Mr Slasher is big huge inta customer service fer sure and is always concerned about the health and wellbeing of  his punters  cos he knows only too well that the longer we all stay hale and harty, the longer we’ll slurp his ale and party.

Well, the other week he was a bitteen concerned that we wasn’t getten our five-a-day supply a frute and vegatibles and so decided ta introduce alciholic frute shots in ta the bar menu. He organised a big huge launch  alltagether  fer  the campain and even invited such dignitaries as the Mandirin of Manulla and the Sultana of Swinford fer ta open the festivities.

Now, I don’t know meself if there’s any truth in the rumour that the pear a them is daten, but they sure looked peachy tagather. A course, that gallopen trollop, Goldilocks, was ded  jealous fer sure and tried ta peel them apart, but only ended up looken like a right gooseberry.

Anyways, the night of  the launch was brillant alltagather and there was free shots fer everyone  - freshly made outta all kinds a exotic frutes from all over the world. Us Teds was there in our numbers fer sure, maken sure that we got our bite outta the cherry and the atmosphere was only magic - like there was a electric currant flowen through it or somethin.

At one pint me little pal, Albear Camoo, was even eyen up Loxy’s melons, who by now was sucken on a sour grape and blowen raspberries at the sultana and the mardirin and generally maken a right lemon outta herself alltagather. I’ll tell ya we was haven the time a our lives fer sure, guzzlen shot after exotic shot.

And then, towards the enda the night, things got fierce juicy alltagather when the door bursted open and this fierce angry-looken little bush limped up ta the bar waven a gun and sed, “I’ve come fer the man what shot my pawpaw!"

Friday, 19 May 2017

Climate Change and the Environment

GallantTed gives us the lowdown on Greenhouse Gasses and the 
Ozone layer and gets nothing but abuse for his trouble:


Howye fokes! How is things? Isn’t that global warmen lark just terrable alltagather? We’re all goen ta fry, I'll tell ya. Ya see, the temperature is risen cos a alla them greenhouse gasses, and there’s a big huge hole in the ozone layer, and soon the earth will be roasten alltagather and the seas will be risen and we’re all goen ta be drownded in our beds.

And the worst thing is that fer years everyone blamed the carbon dioxide emmissions from alla them big huge cars fer the catastrafee. But the grate news, brought ta ya exclusively by Ted, is that ya can hould onta yer SUV Missus, cos all along it was the cows what was doen the damage. 

Ya see, methane is one a the main greenhouse gasses, and after a good feed a the grass doesn’t the cattle beyont in the field be emmitten fierce amounts a this silent but violint gas in ta the unsuspecten atmosphere. And then, alla this wind gets trapped inta the stratasphere and it gets fierce windy alltagather and storms do be bellowen up all over the place. Er, or somethin like that.

Anyways, the bottom line is that as worldly citizins of Mammy Earth, we’re all goen ta have ta think offa a way ta get them cows ta change their diets. Ya could always insist that they take a couple a antiacid tablets after each grassy meal, but as the have four stomachs a piece this might prove ta be fierce costly alltagather. And besides, I know meself that some cows don’t like ta be doen the drugs.

A course, I meself think the best option is ta make good use a alla them idle bull bars on yer four wheel drives and just go in and plough the lot a them mooey windbags away. Then ya’d really be doen somethin ta help the enviromint.


Lissen, it looks as if I stepped on a few sensitive hooves when I wrote about how the eaten habits a them cows is responsible fer the global warmen. Here’s a letter what I got:
Dear Mr. Ted,

Upon reading your ominous comments of last week blaming the cataclysm that is global warming on the unpresumptuous cow, the girls and I had no choice but to call an emergency meeting in the back field whence we passed a motion behooooving us to write to you forthwith, expressing our downright vexation at your uncavalier attitude towards our wholesome eating habits.

“What’s the beef?”  “What’s he dung?” “How cud he?”  “He’s reached an all time loooow”,  “I’ll be in a bad moooood all week, now”, were just some of the pronouncement which bellowed from from the quivering maws of my deeply wounded companions.

Mr. Ted, although against my cultivated principles, it behooooves me to looower myself and remind you of the numerous times we girls had to hastily hoof it up the hills, lest we prematurely expired from the stiffling after-effects of those curried-beans and porter suppers that you and your ursine cohorts seem so fond of. What can I say, Mr. Ted, save that you are an indubitable and unequivocal farce.
          Yours sincerely
Harriet Heffer(Miss)

Dear Mizzzz Heffer

And what can I say, cept that there’s enuff hot air and gas in that most long-windedness a letters fer ta melt at least haff a dozen ice caps and still have enuff steem left over fer ta blow a other hole in the ozone layer. As fer yer passen motions in the back field - too much infermation, Missus, too much infermation.

Be seein ya


 Ill tell ye, all us poor Teds is tryen ta do is ta heel the world by keepen the greenhouse gasses down and if them cows wont make any admissions fer their emmissions all I can do is keep exploiten them fer the dang dung flingers what they are. As fer the abuse what theyre hurlen at a poor innocint Teds just take a look at the letter below. MadDogTed is haven nonea it fer sure.
Hay Ted
You good for nothing flea bag. Who do you effin think you are writen that load of bullocks about how the cattle community is responsible for global warming? And whats the big effin idea about insulting my girls, especially poor Harriet who wrote to you in an effort to defend our kin and kine? 

My girls are so upset by your attitude that many of them are refusing to eat, scared in case the world will abruptly end as soon as they put the next scrap in to their gobs. But worst of effin all, many of them are refusing me my conjugal rights, scared to bring any more destructive calves into the world. And where does that leave me, Teddyboy?  Bull effin idle thats where.
Ive been looking forward to a roll in the hay with Harriet Heffer for weeks now and Im warning you, Buster, if you dont apologise at once Id advise you to dust down your togs cos youll be going swimming in the slurry pit very soon.

Signed: Billy Big Ones

hay urself billy big 1s
us teds gnow where u f n liv
& if u don
t shut da f up
we will send da boys round 
4 2 have ur f n hed on a plate
& all ur f n gnobbly bits 2 boot
so enuff a ur f n guff big boy
unless ur tinken a shortnen ur name 2 just billy

b f n c n u l8r g8
sined maddogtebby  x